The ex in exclusive - brainstorming on levels of relationships

Several factors are contributing in my decision to write this article about relationships and the extinct art of monogamy: My personal opinions since I was a little girl, my parents, the cultural difference I noticed when I first came to US, a recent interaction with a guy, another recent chat with a friend, and a break-up 6 months ago because of the affair my (ex)boyfriend of 3 years had with a colleague of his who is married and a mother to a young girl.

Probably the last one is the major factor and recent happenings are merely the fuel.

The reaction of people to what happened when we broke up, shockingly, did not vary too much. There was a circle, the circle of the family and heart-to-heart friends, who were madder than I was. They were my thread of strength when I had none left in me. I was so weak and beaten that I still hoped he would be sorry and would "man up" enough to come back to me. I'm so glad nothing like that happened while I was still weak. I might have accepted him back - which would be one of the biggest mistakes of a life. Incredibly luckily, I had little yet enough strength when the inevitable apology came.

Then there were all these other people, whose reaction was something like: "Well it happens to anyone.", which I find very similar to telling a starving homeless guy that there are poorer and hungrier people in some other parts of the world, and lots of'em too! Yeah, very effective. This sentence later would be  followed by, after checking that I was becoming a tad better about holding myself, "Who doesn't cheat anyways?", to which my jaw dropped and my eyes popped out of their sockets.

Don't get me wrong, these people are my friends and by no means they justify what happened. But they understand in a way I never will. One of them is a guy friend of mine that I love very much. On my birthday the conversation followed as the example and I heard him say that there hadn't been a single relationship he had that he had not cheated, one way or another. Well, no more trying to hook him up with my gal friends from now on I guess.

I remember back when I was barely 20, two girls from college visited me during a winter break at my parents' home. I was quite good friends with these two girls at the time. We often went out at night, we met with my friends from town, and one night, one of the girls ended up snuggling with a guy friend of mine from town. She had a boyfriend for 3-4 years (who I also knew and to whom she is married now). I warned my guy friend about it and made my point very clear. He ended up taking her out on a walk so she would come to her senses, but before she did, they did have quite an intimate, emotional and very "hugful" stroll along the seashore. The next day, both girls thought I over-reacted. My opinion about these two girls changed forever.

I don't know why some things are very close to being black and white for me, but they are.

Why is monogamy so hard for people?

I never had any problem with it. Heck, I am a natural. When I am in love, when I'm in a relationship, I turn blind to everybody else. Even when I only have a crush, it is one and only for the duration of the crush. Apparently my heart is single occupancy.

Though, I don't necessarily think people have to be like me at all times. When you are not in an exclusive relationship, and as long as your partner knows, accepts the situation, everyone has the freedom to do whatever they want. I for one, am not the type to entertain the non-exclusive kind of relationships for myself. I congratulate my friends who can successfully maintain one of those.

One thing I came across only in US is though, the difference between many relationship terms: "seeing someone" , "dating someone" , "having a date",  "being in a relationship", and "having a girlfriend/boyfriend".

Of course, when two people start being interested in each other, they do not immediately become seriously committed as a couple. So naturally there is a range of intimacy. Sometimes the range is very very short, and whatever happens either ends soon or stays very shallow, which is also fine.

However, when does the "exclusiveness" come into play?

To me (and I've happily run across someone else who thinks like me), exclusiveness is there right from the start. Exclusiveness at this stage does not imply commitment to each other in a serious relationship or to a future together. Indeed, being exclusive has nothing to do with what the couple has internally. Thus, the prefix, "ex". 'Coz it has to do with the outside - meaning, there will be no other outside parties involved with whatever the heck we are doing here.

So you can understand my confusion about these terms:
People can "see someone" and also "some other one". People don't think it is weird.  (I'd go purple from shame of many dimensions if I was on a date with a guy who was also seeing some other people - but that's me.)
You need to openly acknowledge "you will from now on be an exclusive couple" before you can be sure the guy you're dating is not going to hold hands with someone else.
When you date someone, it doesn't mean anything more than, well, "trying each other on"???
But when you have a date, it is only "a" date, and it does not mean you are dating?
And when exactly do you become girlfriend-boyfriend?

I am, as this one guy called it, old fashioned in this sense. When I have a date with someone, I do not actively arrange other dates. When I am seeing someone, even though it may not be as serious, I am still exclusive. It is not the defining feature of a serious relationship for me, where you call each other girlfriend-boyfriend, it is merely a prerequisite. The seriousness of the relationship comes not with eliminating outside factors but building the inside factors. It comes with intimacy, with shared things (acts, emotions, people, time...), with commitment to each other. Only after then, maybe, comes the possible entertaining of a future.

My mom says I should have been born a few centuries back. I tend to disagree. I selfishly believe we need more people who think and feel like me in our time.