This is a recurring feeling I have been having since when I was very young. Whenever I felt anxious, and a bit guilty, scared of what's to come because of my actions... a feeling of getting caught, facing the bad outcome.
Some sort of panic attack. It comes in the form of uncontrollable, body trembling, heavy and incredibly slow heart beats. It feels so slow and so strong that each pulse, originating from right there in the midst of your chest, moves all your upper body, including your arms, and nauseates you. Fills in your brain so you can't just count back from 10 to relax. Takes you hours to feel normal. I remember counting till high hundreds without noticing, nothing changing. It is notorious to happen just after you wake up and just before you go to bed. Sometimes it is so nauseating that you have to buckle down. Your brain races from thought to thought, restless, in fear, dreading whatever it is that makes you pinned down to the bed, your chest jumping up and down.
Times like these, a vision appears before my eyes. It is the hopeful vision of a big nail, or a pin, so big that it can cover your fist. I see it going through my chest, moving through my back, with its head squishing my heart into the back of my ribcage. This vision is a vision of hope, because it is the only way I feel will end this torture and leave me to rest in peace.
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