I don't know how these things work anymore. Either I am really old, or I am very young to understand all this. Maybe I should go back home, where at least I understand the culture. I might not agree, but at least I understand. I know where people are coming from, I understand how they act. Here, I don't understand anything. Everything is foreign to me. And as free and myself as I am, as strong as I am, people still take advantage of me. Not necessarily with bad intentions, but the culture is so individualistic... I don't know what to expect. I never do. It is hard to go on with no clues as to what's happening. I once said expectations are the worst. They make you delusional. It is very true. And even if you fight not to have expectations, if it is in you, there's not much you can do about it, they build up without letting you know. And when I say this it sounds scary. It's not high expectations. But even when your lowest, bottom most expectations are not met... Then you take a step back and think again. What went wrong? Why am I doing this to myself again? In fact, I did nothing wrong. I lived it the way I wanted to and the way many others enjoyed me doing so, while joining me in the joy as well as expectations. Most people want more of me in their lives. If that's not what you want... I don't think there's much I can do about it. I am done with people with baggages. People who are uncertain of anything. I am not cut out for this. I so am not. Maybe, after all,  being away from my own culture was not the best thing, maybe, the american way of friendship and affairs of the heart, does not work here the way I am used to and am able to accept.

Maybe it is time to go.