Royal Wedding Best

http://i.imgur.com/MKpyS.jpg

PS: She was really beautiful.

Also: Fun to follow.

Tough Issues To Talk About

Friendship and love are tough. Both make you do stupid things and act against your better judgement. You can master a sad face only for so long, even if some issues don't get resolved. Which they should, you know, because if not they will become bigger like a rolling snow ball down a slope, gaining speed, which usually ends up in a mess with casualties. But we still do what we do. We hope something kicks sense into their head, something makes them understand why what happened happened, and in due time acknowledge it.

It is also tough to be stuck in between two people, and I understand that too, but it is only harder to keep your mouth shut about the other one if you are one of those at the ends. My personality does not allow me to say things that I should probably have told people long ago, but talking behind someone's back has never been of good manners to me, and I have a childish tendency to believe that good will win in the end. So far it didn't even help me move an inch, while I have been subjected to all the possible harm the other "end"'s talking has managed to inflict.

Being strong and a survivor is the toughest. You can't believe what people accomplish by simply breaking into sobs, with emotional introversion and frailness, imposing others' attention with puppy-eyed neediness. Whatever you say in this manner, true or fake, always grabs attention and leaves a mark on the listener's mind. We are weak, as humans, we cannot distinguish truth from lies presented to us in tears.

So if you happen to decide on staying strong, you falsely give the impression you had nothing to ever hurt you, nothing bad happened to you, surely you are the one who wronged the other, while this frail little other party was the victim of your tactless, self strength.

That's what people think and believe. In time they forget the details they knew, they forget the presence of the details they never knew.
They forget that nothing unites people better than a common enemy, someone to throw stones at, for their own to-be-perceived rightness.

They don't remember or believe any more that your dreams and hopes and the future you planned was taken from you, just because you survived it and made another future with the utmost emotional and physical efforts.

They think just because years passed and things have not been talked about and stayed out of sight, they lost their significance and the damage was gone.

It never really is ever like it was before, my friends, the sometimes too obvious and daily remnants of damage are still here, like a crumpled paper.. Even the strongest willed can try to straighten it out again but it will never be flat again.

So here I am, a straightened out, previously crumpled paper.

This time, I am straightening myself, slowly, but I am, not because of you, but because staying crumpled hurts me even more, makes my insides brittle every time it happens. I need a bit of tending to, a lot of healing, to open myself up again, try to flatten out. It is hard to manage by yourself, and the results lack a certain trust for the ones who didn't come to help un-crumple you.

Next time, I'm afraid I'll tear in your hands.

Blogger Ban Lifted in TR

I just read a month-old article on Sabah that the Office of Public Prosecutor of Diyarbakir has lifted the ban of our beloved Google Blogger in Turkey. Though, I couldn't find another consistent article in any of the international media. Still, I hope it is true and I hope this one sticks (unlike the 3-day lift of Youtube ban).

What not to expect might be what exactly to expect. Wait - what?

I have been thinking about expectations lately. They are only one level down from being as dangerous as hopes, and probably another step away from daydreams and wishes.

Yes we all have heard, and at some point in our lives believed, that without hope, we couldn't have survived the worst times. Hope keeps us alive. Although it might be true that positive thinking helps, I barely think it is the key for survival.

If anything, hope increases one's expectations. We all become a little delusional when there is hope. We think, just because we believed we deserved something, just because we thought we wanted it so genuinely and so much, it would come true.

I don't think it ever happens. On the contrary, if you believe that "things happen when you least expect", the more we hope the lesser the chance it will happen. And by proxy, the things that made us expect more out of a situation, actually has nothing to do with the outcome we had hoped for.

Let's simplify: Let's say there are only two possible outcomes, A or B. Initially, when you first realized the presence of these possibilities, you have no preference. Slowly you think into it and decide you'd like A to happen. It sounds better to you, it would make you happier, etc. Slowly you get invested in A happening. You start looking for "signs" for A. You use logic, reasoning, and a lot of heart-felt nonsense including gut feelings. You hope, or if you think you are more brain powered than heart powered, you "expect" A.

Expecting is hoping, only undressed from its flowery coat of emotions. Inside, they are the same. Whether you think you use your mind or your heart to get there is immaterial. In the core, under the dress, they are the same.

Then something unexpected happens.
In our simplified model, the unexpected is outcome B. Depending on the situation, you are surprised, bewildered, sad, or only momentarily disturbed. But in time, you get used to B. During that time, you realize you ignored all those other signs that pointed to B. If you weren't blind to them, as you are not currently, it would have been very easy for you to see that B was going to happen, not A. Oh how silly of you!

And, sad or content, time allows you to settle in B.
B has been happening now for so long, it becomes what you expect. Now your expectations have changed. Now what you expect is B. And for a while, it fits.

Then, just when you start "expecting" B, something unexpected happens, yes, again. By default, this would be A in our simple system of two outcomes.

In our simple system, this already completes the vicious circle. But it wouldn't be too different, really, if we had a bigger, more realistic model. Whenever one expects outcome n, something else, outcome (n+1) will happen.

How many times did you think you'd be done at work by 6 and left at 8 'coz something chaotic happened? How long did you want that cool phone or that awesome army knife or those gorgeous shoes before you bought and realized they failed their reputation in your hands? How many times did you think you were going to get the raise you deserve this time? Seriously, how many times did you find out that the girl / guy of your dreams actually had no clue you existed?

I'm not a pessimistic person, but it seems silly to expect anything at all at any given time. Nothing you think / reason / feel is gonna happen, will never happen anyway. So how did the behavior of expecting and hoping managed to be retained till our times through evolution? Well, one answer is, maybe we are masochistic creatures who actually enjoy to be presented with B when expecting A. Maybe, life would have been very boring otherwise and we would be bored to death, and the rest of the hopeless ones would also die of their misery, and none of us would be alive to our day. Maybe, our brains are created to be biased towards reasoning what we want, or maybe our brains are not evolved enough to decipher the signs without that bias. Regardless of what it is, here we are, with our hopes and expectations from life.

I give up though. I am a little too exhausted to deal with facing outcome n+1. I decide, from today on, not to expect anything. Just go as it is, do not try to interpret signs, which generally come in the form of other people's behaviors, which, they themselve don't even know why they do!

We frequently forget how little we know about everything and anything. If we did remember, we would never be fool enough to expect anything.

A Weekend to Study

This weekend has been a busy one. I have a final on Monday, so I have been mostly studying. I was also tired after a very chaotic week, and I had to stop by work as well. It has been tiring, and, busy.

I like studying in coffeeshops. I can never get any work done at home, since I am a talented procrastinator and professional napper, so I have to drag myself out to study. I used to go to the library, but it is generally very boring and full of people who whisper into the dead of silence - very annoying. Since back when I was a full time student, I used to study at Espresso Royale at State and Main Streets, and at Sweetwaters downtown and in Kerrytown. There is something about a coffee shop that's very attractive and pleasant. The background music mixing with the noise from each table, somehow still peaceful enough.. And if you're lucky enough to be close to the windows you can take your head off of what you're doing every now and then and look outside, to the street, people walking by, enjoying the sun or running to their cars in the rain.

Watching small street life is a fun pastime of mine. You can see a lot of things that make you smile, you know, those little things..
Once I was waiting at the airport for my friend to pick me up, and there was this older man, in a neatly tucked-in shirt and jeans, walking towards a middle aged, kind of chubby but good looking woman, with a huge smile on his face. The woman was pulling a small rolling luggage. Waiting outside and enjoying the fresh air, I expected to see another hurried greeting and rushing into a car from this couple. Everyone was always in such a hurry, which is understandable, but also a little soulless. People usually get out of their cars, take a bag from the hands of the people they're picking up, no words spoken, no hugs no welcomes, get back in the car and drive off. But this couple... They met right in front of me, a few feet away, and I blushed when I saw them hug and put small kisses on each other's faces. They stood there for a little while, man's hand resting on the woman's back and the woman holding his shoulder lightly, and talked for a while. Only then the man took the luggage and they moved towards a parked car, talking and laughing. I don't remember what I heard them talk, but I got the impression that they were married for a long time and it wasn't the first time they spent time away from each other. In the midst of all that rush, there was me, standing with a cigarette in my hand, and there was this older couple, that resisted the hurried motions of an airport. It was wonderful.

But I digress, as usual.

So this weekend, I decided on Sweetwaters downtown to spend my evenings studying. Packing my Macbook and books and notes, I occupied a high top next to the windows (my favorite) both Saturday and Sunday evenings. Having worked in the serving business, I also made sure I bought a coffee or a scone every now and then. But mostly, I took notes and looked outside when bored, enjoying the bits of weekend I had.

Yes, I like Ann Arbor. My brother makes fun of me for that. So yes, I might be spending too much time in some neighborhoods than others. After years, you get to know a person or two in those places. Never hurts anybody, right?

On Saturday, I sit my face looking towards inside the cafe. This one guy, sits at the next table, facing me. Normally no one notices things like this, in the many hours I spent there, a lot of people occupied that table. But this guy, keeps staring at me and makes me very uncomfortable. I turn sideways and try not to think about it.

Today, Sunday, I go back and settle down in another high top. It happens to be the one closest to the outlet on the wall many tables use to plug their laptops in. So a lot of people come, use the plug, some say sorry some don't, you know, regular coffee shop interactions. Then, about an hour - hour an a half from closing time, this same guy, comes to me and asks me if I would mind if he shared the plug. I make sure I'm not friendly at all to encourage any other conversation other than a polite "sure", thinking he will leave his laptop on charge, or pull the cord, like many other people, to his table. He had been there for a while now, he must have been sitting somewhere, right? But he gets comfortable and squeezes himself on my table.

Now. I never mind sharing a table with anybody. I actually think it is a waste of space if you don't. But if you freaked me and made me uncomfortable the day before, in a very obvious way, you have some guts coming to my table today. And surely you are going to get a not-so-friendly reaction from me. Especially if you keep staring at me while making yourself brazenly comfortable at my table.

I make sure he understands I am uncomfortable, and try to focus. A friend calls. I tell him I'm studying at a cafe. I'm looking out of the window, away from the guy at the table, during the phone call. My friend asks me if I'm alone, and I reply by saying none of my friends are with me. As soon as I say this, I see my table-mate's reflection on the glass, his hands rising up in the air and he goes, loudly: "Whaaaat?? I don't count???" Awesome.

I turn to him while still holding the phone to my ear, and give him the worst possible look I can manage.

Now I don't think he was dangerous or anything. I saw him talking to a few people in there, so he must be somewhat of a regular as well, and probably this was his way of trying to "be friends". Yeah... no.

After I put the phone down, I ask him to move if there is an available table around. It's late and it's not crowded inside. He says that was his plan all along, and mumbles something about me seeming friendly or him trying to be friendly - I couldn't catch that one. I was trying to count backwards from 10 to hold my annoyance under control.

Soon he leaves and I can concentrate back to my studying.

It's a bit funny, though, because, although I enjoy observing other people, they are the people outside, whom I believe I can't offend by watching as they pass by. I never notice what's going on inside the cafe because I find it rude to stare at people too much who you share space with for some time. So I had no idea if there were people who came in and saw me sitting there for hours two nights in a row. But apparently someone has.

The coffee shop closes and I pack my stuff and get out, cross the street to the side where my car is parked, in front of my regular bar. Two random guys are standing outside the door, a few feet away from my car, and as I open my door, one of them says: "So, did you get all your studying done??" I look up, I don't know either of them. I am near-sighted, so I had to make sure, but no, I don't recognize his voice either. An unsure, reluctant "yeees...??" comes out of my mouth, thinking, maybe they just saw me at the coffeeshop for two days, and maybe at the bar sometimes as well. The guys seem to enjoy my weirding out, so while I'm trying to get into my car, the same guy continues: "Ready for your quiz??" Another unsure, reluctant "yes" on my part is responded with wishes of good luck and a wave from the two men, and I get into my car and drive away. I must admit I was a little like a deer in headlights. If it wasn't my regular bar we were in front of, I would not even have cared enough to notice or reply. But there, I didn't know what to do.

So while I'm driving home, I'm thinking: Maybe I do spend too much time around the same neighborhood in AA. Maybe I should have gone to another coffee shop after Saturday. Maybe I should have left the table and the coffee shop altogether when the weird guy showed up.

But then again, how big is AA, for anonymity, for anyone who has lived here long enough? Plus, I'm sorry but, I do like that neighborhood. I'm not going to let other people dictate where I can spend my time! It's not like this is the first time I spent long times at the same place. When I was a full time student I used to inhabit some of these coffee shops, hours at a time, many days a week. The same places I go to now. Heck - I almost lived in one for a week when I was back in AA after a long summer away, trying to get back into school, looking for a place to rent. Even after graduating, I used to meet at this very coffee shop with my then boyfriend after work (I used to work at a restaurant across the street) several times a week; he would study and I would keep him company reading books. And, it's not like I'm the only person ever to spend hours in a cafe studying! Certainly not the only person in AA who leaves a coffee shop with books in her arms during the week of finals.

So, I decide, I don't care if I spend too much time in the same places. I do so because I like these places. And if someone has to tease me for that, they'll be my friends, not strangers. If a stranger does that again, I'll have a different attitude next time for sure!

Goodbye Borders Arborland

Today I went to the Borders in Arborland. I've known for quite a while that, after years of struggling and finally filing for bankruptcy protection in February, about 200 stores would be closing down. It is very sad, as a self-proclaimed Ann Arborite, to see a bookstore chain that sprouted in Ann Arbor go down. I wasn't expecting, but I was not surprised either, when I heard that Arborland store was one of those 200.

I resisted going and salvaging for the deals in the store close down for a long time.

I love bookstores. Even in the "chain" era for everything, the smell of books, the weight of them in my hand, makes me feel like a school girl again. Yes I am one of those who reads - a lot. I am far off from being a literary pro though, I admit I've read and still read a lot of, what you would call, beach novels. Nonetheless, one thing that remained with me over the years is the joy I feel when I spend hours reading, finding myself smiling while doing so. Many times I cried, too.

Book stores.. Libraries.. Small local book shops.. They all have a part in my heart. Something about shelves of books, I don't know what it is, but it makes me feel cozy and happy. One of the things I remember about the house I was born to is the living room and shelves and shelves of books. Both my parents are more than well read, but my father especially loved books. I inherited his love of books. It was a great pride for me to have my own shelves stuffed with books in my own room. When I visited places, bookstores and old passages filled with second hand bookshops would be the first places I would go. I know it is not exactly logical to keep books. After all, they live on your walls for years without you touching them. Rarely we read a book twice. But something about them, just being there, is so comforting.

Last summer, I helped my dad, after some serious determination on his part, go through thousands of books we had at home, select only a few to keep and give the rest to a house with children. It was a very emotional experience, especially for him. But he soldiered through it and we packed about 15 boxes full with books to give away. If it was me I would still have kept at least half of them. We spent a day going through them, and he touched every one of those books, I'm sure every one brought back memories. A few of those memories he shared with me while having a cup of coffee in our breaks. I was very sad for him, I know it was too hard to let go of those books. Some of them he had had for more than 30-40 years. I tried to tell him that he didn't need to get rid of all of them, but apart from the few that he kept, he packed all the rest. He said, if he can't do it today, he will never do it. And today was the day to let go.

I got rid of many of my books as well. I do not keep a lot at my parents' home any more. After living away for 10 years, now I have a few books and two canvas boxes: one has few stuffed animals I want to keep for the sake of my childhood, and one with other sentimental stuff: letters, old glasses, yearbooks etc. Still, the books I parted with were not even close to being as important to me as the ones in those 15 boxes to my father.

Now, in my own apartment, I only have a select few. I try to get rid of most, and I try to avoid buying. For a girl whose recent past and very likely future involves a lot of moving, it is not such a great investment, and books are not cheap either. One way of keeping myself checked is to visit Aunt Agatha's now and then. It is a local mystery book shop, very old school, books not in real order of anything, mostly second hand, crowded tightly in shelves. They hold book club meetings there too, I once walked in while they were discussing a book. Several young and old Ann Arborites, sitting in a U shape around the shelves in the middle of the shop. It made me smile. I also like that shop not only because it is local, but also because Agatha Christi was an early love of mine when I was a kid. When I was emptying my shelves last summer along with my dad, I got rid of more than 30 books, easily, of hers. All were second hand, and read with love, by many until me, then by me. And I am sure they will be read by many after me.

I am also trying to adapt to the new age of "reading" on mobile devices that are lighter than one single book but can carry thousands in it. It is not the same though. I can never trade the feeling of holding a real book in my hands to an e-reader or worse, an audiobook. I think they have their uses, but they can never ever replace books.

So today I was in Arborland to finally buy a new pair of Chuck Taylors. The two pairs I have been wearing for 8-9 years have no soles left. One pair I left at home with strict orders to my mom to dispose of it, knowing I wouldn't do it myself if I took them back with me. And procrastinating for years to replace the last pair, a couple of weeks ago I wore them two days in a row which left my feet in need of some TLC. So today I drove to DSW with my $20 coupon to get another pair.

On my way out, I eyed the huge "Closing" banner over borders. I have refused to go in there so far. Today I felt it was time.

Everything was gone. Every installment was on sale, along with the books and CDs and DVDs and everything else. Even the syrup containers they used in the coffee shop were being sold, for 50 cents each. It was so sad.

There was no order. Instead, there were empty shelves and big signs of sales. It still felt like a bookstore though. I find it a lovely feature of some book shops to have no order, for example. It is one of those isolating and cold features of being a chain bookstore to have too much order and too much attention to displays. I like it when it is a little chaotic. You find unexpected bits of love hidden in unexpected shelves within that chaos sometimes.

I walked around a little. I was looking for a Maeve Binchy book, one of my favorite authors to date, so maybe I could buy it a little cheaper. Of course, most books were gone, including the one I was looking for. But I felt like staying. I wandered around a little bit more. I looked at books, and at the people.. And I felt so sad. I genuinely felt so sad to see a bookstore closing. Especially one that is, although a chain, still local. One that I came to many many times and spent hours in. Tears almost showed up in my eyes. I'm sure people thought I was crazy. When I was paying, when the cashier asked me how I was, I couldn't help but say "I'm sad." He looked at me weirdly. I noticed none of the people that worked there, whom I have seen many times, looked sad. That made me even sadder. I kept repeating myself, saying how sad it was to see this store closing, and the cashier did not even respond to me.

Before leaving the store, I stood by the doors for a few more minutes. I wondered what this store would be next. I looked inside the store, to the back where all the shelves were empty.. I felt empty. I wished the store farewell and left.

I knew I was going to write this blog while I was standing in front of the doors, with my last purchase from Borders in Arborland in my arms. I rescued a two-novel copy of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations, as well as a fairly expensive audiobook, although it was 50% off, called Bad Things Happen by Harry Dolan, which I totally got suckered into simply because it was set in Ann Arbor. And the icing on the cake was when I saw the whole seven season package of the Golden Girls while paying, sitting at the lower back shelf, 50% off.

Farewell Borders Arborland. I had many pleasant hours spent under your roof. And I wish Borders, after 40 years of being Borders, the best of luck to get back on its feet.