In many ways, I am very guy-like. I like motorbikes and cars as much as I like shopping. I like going to the same bar every other night, with jeans and a t-shirt; rather than having a girls' night out on a martini bar with cute outfits on. Yes I like being feminine, you know, I care about how I look, put some eye make up on, and every once in a while I do dress up. But mostly I go to work in sneakers and a sweatshirt with my hair tied up in a pony tail. I like bantering instead of gossipping. I can't stand people bitching around assuming I'll be joining them just because I'm a girl. I don't play the girlie-flirty games to draw men's attention. I am a very real, solid woman, enjoying her late twenties. As feminine as I can be, I'm not a miracle on earth who never burps or poops.
Yet, a side of me is still way too sensitive, "like a girl". Yes I do hate romantic movies, it's been years since I voluntarily watched one, although my reasons might vary from the average dude. I don't like them, in part because, yes, they bore me to death, but also in part, because they hurt me. None of them are realistic, first of all. Whoever writes those stories have really limitless imagination. And knowing this hurts me. 'Coz as guy-like as I am, I am still a little girl who wants to be loved by a prince on a white horse.
I never had problems with Valentines Day approaching. For the longest time, including my years in college, I was always single around this time of the year, so I never felt something was missing. In the last 4 years, however, I got used to being with someone, and this will be the first after those 4 years that I will be with myself on a mid February night. This will be the first time I will maybe feel like I'm missing something. Will I actually be missing something, or someone? No. But will social pressure make me feel like I am? Yes.
How do we explain the connection we feel with the hero or the heroine of a movie we watch, a book we read? Why do we feel happy when they are, and why do get upset when something bad happens? By all means we know it's fiction. So why? What's the benefit in feeling these emotions? This empathy, does it make us more human? What is it? And why, as women, are we more susceptible to crying after watching a sad movie than men are?
I hate our hormones. I wish I had more testosterone. I hate the female hormones because tiny disturbances on balanced levels of any of these make us weird. One day you can't get enough of chocolate. The other day you cry because you saw a cute little abandoned puppy. The next you hate your co-worker so much you can burn the office down on her head. And the next morning, you are as mild as one can be. How the heck are we to control our lives when our hormones are affecting it so much?
So my hormones lately are telling me to watch the emotional movies I generally hate to watch. I don't like watching such movies since they annoy me too much, as I am pretty realistic a person and none of those movies are. But I watch them, and they affect me. They make me feel lonely, they make me want to be loved, they make me want the company of a guy.
So yes, I'm strong enough to admit that I am affected by approaching Valentines Day. I wouldn't mind having a date. Although I don't mind being by myself either. I keep myself pretty good company. But nowadays... I wouldn't mind some other sort of company either.
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