How I found myself

The biggest positive side of my current singlehood is that, I finally re-found myself.

Until college, I was the most popular girl in town. Smart, beautiful, the works. I never had any problem about being social or dating. At college, I was pretty outgoing as well, but never actually dated anybody seriously. I was more focused on my intellectual being than my emotional being back then, though I dated a few guys for a few months at times but they were all transient. I never thought I fell in love.

When I came to Ann Arbor, however, as strong as I was, and as social, I was weak. I fell in love with the first guy I thought was decent. He was a charmer and I was charmed. I followed that charm for 2 years. The second year was far less dramatic and stressful, we actually started caring for each other much more deeply, and even went as far as living together. Although we had very different lives, we managed to share our lives at maximum. Did it work? No. Was it a bad end? Especially considering I was on crutches having fractured my foot, yes it was a bad end. But did I know it was over long ago? Undeniably.

After our break up, I was scheduled to go home for a vacation that included my cousin's wedding. As hard as it was in the first few days, it was surprisingly not so hard afterwards. I came back to AA strong and fine. A month or two I tried my best to re-create my social life, which was mostly about my ex-boyfriend's family and friends before. I took every opportunity to be social and out and about. And shortly, I met someone through a friend, very unexpectedly, and we started a relationship.

That took another 3 years of my life. During which, I now realize, I had lost who I was. When we started dating I was this self-confident girl, who was younger than her guy in years and in energy, active and outgoing and very social. He was a regular guy who worked a regular job and lived a regular life with a fun weekend every now and then. Through our relationship he evolved and I devolved. He became more and more social and outgoing while I became this poor little girl who'd do anything for his attention. Every time he complained, I tried my best to still be myself but also become whatever type of girl he wanted me to be. In time, the balance went askew. I was less myself and more this girl who lacked confidence, and had lost the sense of who she was. I relentlessly held on to whoever I became back then, I though that was what he wanted and I thought what he wanted was what I wanted.

Luckily for me, those 3 years ended. Dramatically, yes, but nonetheless. They ended.

And after the first few months passed with the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with myself, I finally realized I was single, and I could be myself. So I went back to doing things I liked. I went back to Tango full time, I traveled for Tango. I started seeing my friends who cared for me much more often. I started enjoying who I was, I felt strong enough to act goofy, I started enjoying going out in jeans and a t-shirt, and whenever I wanted to dress up I actually could dress up the way I wanted. I went back to putting in quite a lot of hours at work and at my social life, instead of sitting home watching tv. I started looking forward to our after-work-over-beer conversations with friends. I remembered how it felt like to genuinely laugh. Since then, I never hold back from laughters. I talk and I laugh a lot. I use hand gestures a lot as well when I talk, as any other Mediterranean girl, I am very passionate about whatever I do, even when it's just telling a story.

Eventually, I realized I found myself again. I found who I was and am. I realized I had pressed my "self" down under some blankets during my relationships with these two men. I wasn't myself. I was trying to be who they wanted me to be and who I thought I should be.

Now I embrace who I am. So much that, I don't even care much about the consequences.

Yes I am strong and I am weak. I am very emotional yet in many aspects I am the most logical. I am complicated. I am fun and I talk a lot and I listen a lot. I go out a lot to enjoy shared evenings with a variety of friends, all of whom I love so much. My love for people are endless as long as they deserve it. I am loyal and very faithful in every relationship, to those who deserve. I am intolerant to most of those who don't. I listen to my heart more than anything, and I do daydream, yes, but I am more realistic than Joe Average. I know what things are, although I sometimes still hope they are not what they are. I love passionately. When my heart flickers, I follow it, and I never felt ashamed of having done so. Even if doing so cost me too much sometimes. Like when it scared off people who I wanted to include to my life.

Though, at any point when I feel like that, I always believe that, this is who I am. If they hadn't discovered it now they would have later, and if who I am does not sit well with them, we are not compatible to begin with anyhow. So all is well, nothing is gained maybe, but nothing is lost either.


After years I found who I have been. I had forgotten who I was for a long time. Now, I don't want to let myself forget or ignore who I am again. Not for anybody.

If I ever get myself into a relationship again, I know who I am and who I will be in that relationship. Not too much sacrifice there anymore.

If you don't like who I am, as you perceive it... Either come closer and get to know me.. Or stay away and it's your loss anyways!