Friendship and love are tough. Both make you do stupid things and act against your better judgement. You can master a sad face only for so long, even if some issues don't get resolved. Which they should, you know, because if not they will become bigger like a rolling snow ball down a slope, gaining speed, which usually ends up in a mess with casualties. But we still do what we do. We hope something kicks sense into their head, something makes them understand why what happened happened, and in due time acknowledge it.
It is also tough to be stuck in between two people, and I understand that too, but it is only harder to keep your mouth shut about the other one if you are one of those at the ends. My personality does not allow me to say things that I should probably have told people long ago, but talking behind someone's back has never been of good manners to me, and I have a childish tendency to believe that good will win in the end. So far it didn't even help me move an inch, while I have been subjected to all the possible harm the other "end"'s talking has managed to inflict.
Being strong and a survivor is the toughest. You can't believe what people accomplish by simply breaking into sobs, with emotional introversion and frailness, imposing others' attention with puppy-eyed neediness. Whatever you say in this manner, true or fake, always grabs attention and leaves a mark on the listener's mind. We are weak, as humans, we cannot distinguish truth from lies presented to us in tears.
So if you happen to decide on staying strong, you falsely give the impression you had nothing to ever hurt you, nothing bad happened to you, surely you are the one who wronged the other, while this frail little other party was the victim of your tactless, self strength.
That's what people think and believe. In time they forget the details they knew, they forget the presence of the details they never knew.
They forget that nothing unites people better than a common enemy, someone to throw stones at, for their own to-be-perceived rightness.
They don't remember or believe any more that your dreams and hopes and the future you planned was taken from you, just because you survived it and made another future with the utmost emotional and physical efforts.
They think just because years passed and things have not been talked about and stayed out of sight, they lost their significance and the damage was gone.
It never really is ever like it was before, my friends, the sometimes too obvious and daily remnants of damage are still here, like a crumpled paper.. Even the strongest willed can try to straighten it out again but it will never be flat again.
So here I am, a straightened out, previously crumpled paper.
This time, I am straightening myself, slowly, but I am, not because of you, but because staying crumpled hurts me even more, makes my insides brittle every time it happens. I need a bit of tending to, a lot of healing, to open myself up again, try to flatten out. It is hard to manage by yourself, and the results lack a certain trust for the ones who didn't come to help un-crumple you.
Next time, I'm afraid I'll tear in your hands.
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