Mein Traummann

Vulnerable - that's what I am.

When I am in a real relationship, I don't necessarily look for romanticism, gestures taken out of books, big bouquets of flowers or boxes of chocolates (although it never hurts!), or, god forbid, such things coming from the wrong person. But after more than a year of being single, and quite so, I find myself feeling like a teenager when it comes to things like that, and even getting very emotional after watching movies and reading books, wanting unrealistic things... It's just a feeling that I miss - it's funny though, 'coz I don't think I've ever felt that way in a real relationship. I mean, my relationships were incredibly fun and happy (except for one prick, unfortunately), but nothing like this feeling that I've been longing.

I tried to get away.; I needed a vacation, I knew. I couldn't. Real life is hard that way, you know, problems occur, things happen. So, this summer, I could not get away. I could not recharge, I could not restart my feelings. I had to stay and cope. I've tried, kept distracting myself with a lot of little and big things. Most of the time they've worked, but those moments they fail... it's as if you've never succeeded to cope.

When you realize that even the smallest things are enough to make you sad, it's time to analyze what's wrong. Because, that means you are just too close to making big mistakes. When you are that vulnerable, you are easy to misplace value and trust on people you don't even know, take a lot of things personally, get disappointed more. You basically create the grounds for disappointment for your own self.

Need to get out of this vulnerable-heartedness.


But until then, I have a daydream that makes me smile when I need to warm my insides.

The imaginary guy in it has the face of a person I kind of met, but not really. I have never met him in person, and I barely know who he is. But from the bits of information I know of him, my subconscious created this persona of an incredibly fun, creative, smart, mature man. So mature that he can laugh at anything, including himself. In my eyes he is not much taller than I am, always carries a smile on his face, and funny enough, his short hair is reddish brown / auburnish, and he has mild freckles. It is funny, because I've never felt attracted to such physical traits. Anyhow, this not so tall, smiley, sweet person is the man of my daydreams recently. Of course, I am sure the persona I created has nothing to do with the face I decided to put on him - it is just a person I created in my mind, an unreal, non existing, a bit too perfect person you can only find in dreams.

What I see is so peaceful... I just see us laying down on a bed, diagonally, completely content with each other's silence. I lay on my stomach, my arms folded under my head, facing away, my eyes closed. Even then I can sense his presence though, even if his body is not touching mine, I know he is laying right beside me, with this incredibly content smile on his face. He is laying on his side, facing me, his left arm supporting his head. He looks at my hair, my neck, and touches my bare skin on my back with his fingertips, tracing the curves of my back, playing with the pieces of my hair that falls back on my shoulders.. I feel my smile widen on my face, and I feel his widen as well. He can feel how I react to his sweet touch. And we are just very content, laying there, not speaking a word, just enjoying that shared moment of being at the same place, at the same time, together.

Nothing more.

It is this feeling that I long for, you know, in between all the daily adventures and realities of life, this feeling of peace and quiet, shared by someone who appreciates it as much as you do, and who appreciates you as much as you appreciate him.

Although that persona I created is not real, and will probably change many faces as my subconscious jumps from one visual cue to another of my conscious daily life, I still hopelessly, childishly believe he might exist , somewhere.

Then the moment passes and I go live my very real, mostly emotionless daily adventures, without my daydream lover.