Vulnerable - that's what I am.
When I am in a real relationship, I don't necessarily look for romanticism, gestures taken out of books, big bouquets of flowers or boxes of chocolates (although it never hurts!), or, god forbid, such things coming from the wrong person. But after more than a year of being single, and quite so, I find myself feeling like a teenager when it comes to things like that, and even getting very emotional after watching movies and reading books, wanting unrealistic things... It's just a feeling that I miss - it's funny though, 'coz I don't think I've ever felt that way in a real relationship. I mean, my relationships were incredibly fun and happy (except for one prick, unfortunately), but nothing like this feeling that I've been longing.
I tried to get away.; I needed a vacation, I knew. I couldn't. Real life is hard that way, you know, problems occur, things happen. So, this summer, I could not get away. I could not recharge, I could not restart my feelings. I had to stay and cope. I've tried, kept distracting myself with a lot of little and big things. Most of the time they've worked, but those moments they fail... it's as if you've never succeeded to cope.
When you realize that even the smallest things are enough to make you sad, it's time to analyze what's wrong. Because, that means you are just too close to making big mistakes. When you are that vulnerable, you are easy to misplace value and trust on people you don't even know, take a lot of things personally, get disappointed more. You basically create the grounds for disappointment for your own self.
Need to get out of this vulnerable-heartedness.
But until then, I have a daydream that makes me smile when I need to warm my insides.
The imaginary guy in it has the face of a person I kind of met, but not really. I have never met him in person, and I barely know who he is. But from the bits of information I know of him, my subconscious created this persona of an incredibly fun, creative, smart, mature man. So mature that he can laugh at anything, including himself. In my eyes he is not much taller than I am, always carries a smile on his face, and funny enough, his short hair is reddish brown / auburnish, and he has mild freckles. It is funny, because I've never felt attracted to such physical traits. Anyhow, this not so tall, smiley, sweet person is the man of my daydreams recently. Of course, I am sure the persona I created has nothing to do with the face I decided to put on him - it is just a person I created in my mind, an unreal, non existing, a bit too perfect person you can only find in dreams.
What I see is so peaceful... I just see us laying down on a bed, diagonally, completely content with each other's silence. I lay on my stomach, my arms folded under my head, facing away, my eyes closed. Even then I can sense his presence though, even if his body is not touching mine, I know he is laying right beside me, with this incredibly content smile on his face. He is laying on his side, facing me, his left arm supporting his head. He looks at my hair, my neck, and touches my bare skin on my back with his fingertips, tracing the curves of my back, playing with the pieces of my hair that falls back on my shoulders.. I feel my smile widen on my face, and I feel his widen as well. He can feel how I react to his sweet touch. And we are just very content, laying there, not speaking a word, just enjoying that shared moment of being at the same place, at the same time, together.
Nothing more.
It is this feeling that I long for, you know, in between all the daily adventures and realities of life, this feeling of peace and quiet, shared by someone who appreciates it as much as you do, and who appreciates you as much as you appreciate him.
Although that persona I created is not real, and will probably change many faces as my subconscious jumps from one visual cue to another of my conscious daily life, I still hopelessly, childishly believe he might exist , somewhere.
Then the moment passes and I go live my very real, mostly emotionless daily adventures, without my daydream lover.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
My sweet riding boots...
... just arrived today! I love them. They are slightly big, but oh well, they still feel fine and this is the smallest size anyways. Look at those sweet toe protectors!
Also, I received the jacket I ordered but the cut is very weird so although the size fits, the "fit" doesn't fit. I'm sending it back, and, taking the risk of looking like a d-bag (because of a huge brand name across the back) I'm ordering this one:
Initially I wanted the black one, however, it is 45 bucks more expensive, so I'll choose practicality over fashion at this point.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Biky Biky
Here is my new baby. 2007 Ninja EX250, or, as another female rider calls lady Ninjas, Ninjette. Runs great, and looks are not too bad either. It has a few big cracks in the front fairing but it'll do till next summer. So far only rode it a few miles for trial, waiting for my minimal gear to be complete. I did receive my awesome helmet but I might need to change it, and my jacket and boots are arriving tomorrow. Excited! I'll upload a smily picture of yours truly on her new beauty when everything is here. If you can see that smile through the helmet, that is.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Mini Blog Notes
It's great to see that people are following this blog even when I am way too lazy or busy to keep it going. Thanks people!
There are many little things that I wanted to write about, and if I keep procrastinating they will never make it here. So here is a shortened, combined update:
* So many momma-to-be's around! Since last year babies have been popping out everywhere. A very close friend of mine has a 5 month old cutiepie that I am yet to see. Another close friend is 5 months pregnant. My cousin and his wife are expecting a delivery within few weeks. Another friend just welcomed their baby girl over the weekend. I don't think there has ever been a time I was more exposed to pregnancies. I must be so affected that the other night I dreamed that my mom was pregnant! Funny, because, one lady at work is also pregnant and it is kind of not talked about at the office, although it is increasingly obvious. So in my dream my mom and dad kept it a secret for quite a while too, and I was a bit mad at them since my brother and I couldn't enjoy the early belly times. When we learned we kept touching the baby belly all the time. We were so excited to welcome a little baby brother or sister.
* Speaking of dreams.. Since a very close friend left the country for good, I've been going to my regular bar in AA way less frequently. Things change so quickly, sometimes. I also ended up not going home to vacation this summer. So all these combined in a weird dream, in which I saw my friend, A, living in Istanbul, and every year when I go for a vacation, there is this bar we go to. I know somehow in my dream, that "last" summer we spent a lot of nice nights there, and the place is called "the R Bar", which to my knowledge does not exist, at the bottom of Istiklal Street in Taksim. When I come to visit him "this" year, we end up going to somewhere else, across the street, where I see another friend, from college, who's working there. He seems troubled though. I don't remember why we were there, but I remember it was a narrow building at least 10 storeys tall: The first two floors were cafe/bar, and funny enough, the only restroom was at the top floor, which was designed like a fancy hotel room. Anyways, after we leave that place, we cross the street, and have a smoke in front of our regular bar. I can remember the sign of the place very clearly, "the R Bar", in a very old English pub format. We look inside and we see another familiar face - the bartender in our real life regular bar happens to live in Istanbul and work at the R Bar.
I remember feeling very much at home, in every sense. Everything was back to normal as A and I had a smoke in front of our regular bar with our regular people in it. It was very peaceful.
* Miami, Miami,
You've got style
Blue sky, sunshine and sand by the mile...
As an avid Golden Girls fan, I always wanted to see Miami. I finally made it to Southbeach and was very, very underwhelmed and disappointed. Here is the story that leads to a long weekend getaway.
I try to minimize my smoking, which is, as this is the second time I bailed out on my quitting plans, very hard. So I now try to walk around the apartment complex if I really want to smoke. One friday evening, while I'm walking with a cigarette in my hand, I see that my friend B, who also lives in the same apartment complex, is home. I tap on his porch doors to say hi. We end up having a few drinks, playing the guitar (after 15 years of not touching a guitar myself I was unexpectedly into playing one) and singing some old songs, and even playing soccer outside on the backyard a bit. The only time I played ball like that was when I was barely 7 years old. Two of my class mates and I met at one of their house, petted some baby goats and played ball. Oh memories..
Anyhow, so as B is going to be leaving the US for good soon too, and since we had some way of getting some cheap tickets to where ever we wanted, at the end of the night, we decided to take a vacation together. Initially I wanted to go somewhere in California but my idea was not supported as the flights were longer and we did not want to spend too much time on the road. Then thought of Clearwater, FL, but to our disappointment, flights to Tampa didn't look all that good. So we decided on Miami, and within two hours we got out flight tickets, booked a hotel room and packed for the early morning flight.
The hotel room we booked, I must say, was not that cheap, and it looked great. We wanted to be "downtown" so we decided on this hotel called the Colony hotel right at the oceanfront in Southbeach. It looked very well decorated and clean and all. Oh you wish!
But first I should comment on how Miami in general looked like. To me, and to my friend, it looked like a place 20 years before our time. All the buildings were at best 1980s style, all over the city, and not well maintained AT ALL. Everything looked dirty and falling apart, with a lot of empty buildings everywhere. Every store looked like it was a convenience store of 1940s. Our impression of Miami was forever scarred on our way to the hotel from the airport.
Southbeach was no better, but since it was, well, on the beach, it kinda made up for it. Every hotel has a cafe/restaurant at the lower level, and it is very very lively. So over all, it looked like a cheap summer place. The hotel, though, oh my god. The room was small, looking at the next building, the air-condition did not work well and was physically breaking apart, didn't have a chair, a table or a mini fridge (although it did have a big flat screen TV but that was much pretty much it), and the bathroom was only large enough so you can turn around your own axis. It looked clean, but only looked clean, if you know what I mean. Anyways, I thought, if I can sleep, that's enough. And there was no bugs - to me, awesome news. Only we didn't know that on our second night a small brown mouse would come to our room and say hi. I have no problems with mice, but B was not happy about it at all, and after a couple of hours of hotel staff not knowing what to do, finally we moved to another room, directly oceanfront this time, but in the same exact condition otherwise. The bed creaked, and though there was a table this time, it shook unstably when anything was put on it.
The only good part of Southbeach was the nature on the beach. Endless fine sand, beautiful lively greens, and the ocean. Although, I must say, it wasn't the most beautiful waters I've ever set foot into. There was a lot of weed in the water that came from the ocean, and it was not clear. Although nice, not the most beautiful by any means.
And unfortunately like any touristic place it was crowded like hell, and from what I heard of other people's conversations at the beach, it was a pretty superficial crowd. And my god, the amount of thighs, boobs, and six packs we have seen is uncountable. There was simply too much "meat" !
Although the cafe/restaurant area was nice and lively, B and I found that we were too old for the "club" scene and ended up having a beer or two here and there away from the crowds. I'd much rather have a couple of low-key beers at the beach with warm conversation and be fine with it. I realize that now I'm looking for quiet, peaceful, low-key vacations rather than "yay, spring break!" type of vacations.
So overall, Miami is not what I expected at all. At least, Southbeach. It's not my ideal vacation spot, let along a place to live. The city is just too badly taken care of and everything is old. I would be seriously disappointed if Miami was the first place I saw in the States, and probably would not have stayed.
And as usual, where ever I go in the States, I come home to Ann Arbor, loving it even more.
*Finally firmly intending to buy a motorcycle. Already bought my gear, here, take a look at them:
Fieldsheer Roma 2.0. Not my first choice, but at least it doesn't have a huge logo on the back. I am intending to make it more visible with reflective tape on the back (the lining and the logo on the back is already reflective).
There are many little things that I wanted to write about, and if I keep procrastinating they will never make it here. So here is a shortened, combined update:
* So many momma-to-be's around! Since last year babies have been popping out everywhere. A very close friend of mine has a 5 month old cutiepie that I am yet to see. Another close friend is 5 months pregnant. My cousin and his wife are expecting a delivery within few weeks. Another friend just welcomed their baby girl over the weekend. I don't think there has ever been a time I was more exposed to pregnancies. I must be so affected that the other night I dreamed that my mom was pregnant! Funny, because, one lady at work is also pregnant and it is kind of not talked about at the office, although it is increasingly obvious. So in my dream my mom and dad kept it a secret for quite a while too, and I was a bit mad at them since my brother and I couldn't enjoy the early belly times. When we learned we kept touching the baby belly all the time. We were so excited to welcome a little baby brother or sister.
* Speaking of dreams.. Since a very close friend left the country for good, I've been going to my regular bar in AA way less frequently. Things change so quickly, sometimes. I also ended up not going home to vacation this summer. So all these combined in a weird dream, in which I saw my friend, A, living in Istanbul, and every year when I go for a vacation, there is this bar we go to. I know somehow in my dream, that "last" summer we spent a lot of nice nights there, and the place is called "the R Bar", which to my knowledge does not exist, at the bottom of Istiklal Street in Taksim. When I come to visit him "this" year, we end up going to somewhere else, across the street, where I see another friend, from college, who's working there. He seems troubled though. I don't remember why we were there, but I remember it was a narrow building at least 10 storeys tall: The first two floors were cafe/bar, and funny enough, the only restroom was at the top floor, which was designed like a fancy hotel room. Anyways, after we leave that place, we cross the street, and have a smoke in front of our regular bar. I can remember the sign of the place very clearly, "the R Bar", in a very old English pub format. We look inside and we see another familiar face - the bartender in our real life regular bar happens to live in Istanbul and work at the R Bar.
I remember feeling very much at home, in every sense. Everything was back to normal as A and I had a smoke in front of our regular bar with our regular people in it. It was very peaceful.
* Miami, Miami,
You've got style
Blue sky, sunshine and sand by the mile...
As an avid Golden Girls fan, I always wanted to see Miami. I finally made it to Southbeach and was very, very underwhelmed and disappointed. Here is the story that leads to a long weekend getaway.
I try to minimize my smoking, which is, as this is the second time I bailed out on my quitting plans, very hard. So I now try to walk around the apartment complex if I really want to smoke. One friday evening, while I'm walking with a cigarette in my hand, I see that my friend B, who also lives in the same apartment complex, is home. I tap on his porch doors to say hi. We end up having a few drinks, playing the guitar (after 15 years of not touching a guitar myself I was unexpectedly into playing one) and singing some old songs, and even playing soccer outside on the backyard a bit. The only time I played ball like that was when I was barely 7 years old. Two of my class mates and I met at one of their house, petted some baby goats and played ball. Oh memories..
Anyhow, so as B is going to be leaving the US for good soon too, and since we had some way of getting some cheap tickets to where ever we wanted, at the end of the night, we decided to take a vacation together. Initially I wanted to go somewhere in California but my idea was not supported as the flights were longer and we did not want to spend too much time on the road. Then thought of Clearwater, FL, but to our disappointment, flights to Tampa didn't look all that good. So we decided on Miami, and within two hours we got out flight tickets, booked a hotel room and packed for the early morning flight.
The hotel room we booked, I must say, was not that cheap, and it looked great. We wanted to be "downtown" so we decided on this hotel called the Colony hotel right at the oceanfront in Southbeach. It looked very well decorated and clean and all. Oh you wish!
But first I should comment on how Miami in general looked like. To me, and to my friend, it looked like a place 20 years before our time. All the buildings were at best 1980s style, all over the city, and not well maintained AT ALL. Everything looked dirty and falling apart, with a lot of empty buildings everywhere. Every store looked like it was a convenience store of 1940s. Our impression of Miami was forever scarred on our way to the hotel from the airport.
Southbeach was no better, but since it was, well, on the beach, it kinda made up for it. Every hotel has a cafe/restaurant at the lower level, and it is very very lively. So over all, it looked like a cheap summer place. The hotel, though, oh my god. The room was small, looking at the next building, the air-condition did not work well and was physically breaking apart, didn't have a chair, a table or a mini fridge (although it did have a big flat screen TV but that was much pretty much it), and the bathroom was only large enough so you can turn around your own axis. It looked clean, but only looked clean, if you know what I mean. Anyways, I thought, if I can sleep, that's enough. And there was no bugs - to me, awesome news. Only we didn't know that on our second night a small brown mouse would come to our room and say hi. I have no problems with mice, but B was not happy about it at all, and after a couple of hours of hotel staff not knowing what to do, finally we moved to another room, directly oceanfront this time, but in the same exact condition otherwise. The bed creaked, and though there was a table this time, it shook unstably when anything was put on it.
The only good part of Southbeach was the nature on the beach. Endless fine sand, beautiful lively greens, and the ocean. Although, I must say, it wasn't the most beautiful waters I've ever set foot into. There was a lot of weed in the water that came from the ocean, and it was not clear. Although nice, not the most beautiful by any means.
And unfortunately like any touristic place it was crowded like hell, and from what I heard of other people's conversations at the beach, it was a pretty superficial crowd. And my god, the amount of thighs, boobs, and six packs we have seen is uncountable. There was simply too much "meat" !
Although the cafe/restaurant area was nice and lively, B and I found that we were too old for the "club" scene and ended up having a beer or two here and there away from the crowds. I'd much rather have a couple of low-key beers at the beach with warm conversation and be fine with it. I realize that now I'm looking for quiet, peaceful, low-key vacations rather than "yay, spring break!" type of vacations.
So overall, Miami is not what I expected at all. At least, Southbeach. It's not my ideal vacation spot, let along a place to live. The city is just too badly taken care of and everything is old. I would be seriously disappointed if Miami was the first place I saw in the States, and probably would not have stayed.
And as usual, where ever I go in the States, I come home to Ann Arbor, loving it even more.
*Finally firmly intending to buy a motorcycle. Already bought my gear, here, take a look at them:
 |
| AFX FX-90 Multi - Good, easily visible, still stylish. |
 |
| Icon Women's 29ers. |
 |
| Vega Merge Boots |
After these, you would wonder, where the hell is the motorcycle. Well, if you wish me luck, I will find a 2007 or newer Kawasaki Ninja 250 (unfortunately, it is very hard to find the dual purpose bikes I want second hand... :( and these Ninja's are like Civic's of cars- they are everywhere and decent enough) soon. I'll post it once I find the "one".
* It's incredibly hot in AA this week - all I do is sit at home, search for bikes or bike gear, and watch silly Lifetime movies, and not having any butterflies in real world in my stomach, feel surprisingly romantic after the movies end. It's not a total waste, though, at least I get to have incredibly warm, romantic dreams every once in a while too!
OK, so far so good.
PS: Sorry about the funky picture locations. I'm having problems with editing here, I'll go check on it and correct them soon at home.
PS: Sorry about the funky picture locations. I'm having problems with editing here, I'll go check on it and correct them soon at home.
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