Dream 5 - Clear waters and waterfalls

This was such a peaceful dream.
I'm sure it's the way my mind incorporates memories or something, because there are some parts of it you can tell that are clearly affected by my conscious brain.

Blue Lagoon is my home. The "nose" is my favorite part, it has crystal clear waters and the softest pebbles. Here is a peek:

And here is what the it looks like when you are paragliding from over 1900m. You can see what I mean by the nose.

In my dream, I go to the Blue Lagoon to meet some friends. I take public transportation, and get off the bus at a part of the Blue Lagoon that I've never been before (which does not exist in reality). However, this place is so much more beautiful. The water is even more crystal clear here (unfortunately due to high tourism in this area, there is mild pollution). Also, there is a complex behind the beach where some boutique hotels and stores reside (which is also not the case in reality). I am so amazed by this part of the beach in my dream, that I lay my towels down there, enjoy the water and the beach.

Here is one part where my daily life goes into my dreams. In my dream, I had a whole bunch of towels with me, so many that I couldn't carry all. It must be because I did three loads of laundry yesterday, one of which was all towels, which kept bugging me for a few weeks.

At some point, while I'm waiting for my friends to call me, I realize I have lost one of my towels. (I actually own this towel. It's a nice, blue, but cheap towel that I once bought from a K-Mart like place on my way to Blue Lagoon one summer, because after getting on the bus I had realized that I was going to the beach with no towel.) Then in the water, down at the bottom, I see a bluish-towel. I think it is mine, I dive in and fish it out. It's blue, yes, but it's not mine, it has light colored regions. I ask around if it is one of theirs, they say no. But one of the ladies take it and fold it and put in under his son's head, who is laying on the beach like a big fat whale. I tell them I was going to actually take the towel since I lost mine, and the lady gives it back to me with annoyance.

Then I decide I move further toward the other side of the beach. I make a note of the hotel that was behind me, so I can describe this side of the beach to my parents, who were going to meet me later in the day after their work finishes (This, too, is based on reality). I move around the curve of the beach, leave my stuff there temporarily, then a friend of mine finds me and shows me an inland way to get to where they have been all this time. I don't want to go through the inland way, since my stuff is on the beach and also because my parents might show up. She explains me where they are and I tell them I will meet them in a little bit.

When I go back to pick up my stuff, I realize that this part of the lagoon is actually some sort of trapped water in high altitude (!). I see someone (or was it me?) swimming in this trapped water. I see an orca at a distance, he sees the swimmer, and starts coming towards him. He manages to get on some structure in the water and avoids the orca, but the intention of the orca was not bad. I think he was only playing,  but I can't be sure. Then, while standing on that structure in the water, which is between two really deep regions of water, I also see a polar bear swimming. What an interesting place Blue Lagoon has become in my dream!
There is also a touristic facility which has a glass wall and elevators with glass walls, so you can take them up and down to see different depths of this trapped water. I see my friends among the crowd looking at the waters. They wave at me and they start going down. I see the depths as if through their eyes. What we see at the very bottom is icy cold water, and actual ice! I am not sure how there can ever be snow and ice at the bottom of a lake but there was in my dream.

Then I circle back to pick up my things and meet my friends inside the touristic complex. By this time I know that my parents are not going to show up and I am a little disappointed, but oh well. I meet my friends in front of another exhibition sort of place, where there are stairs going up and down, endless! We start climbing up. For some reason I wear heels, and there is no railing to hold on to! Individual stairs are also not interconnected. But I still climb up. At the very top, we realize that this is where the elevators with glass walls start going down. The downward stairs also lead to the bottom of the lake. When we get back to the ground level, I kick off my heels and put on my sneakers with relief, and since I saw what the bottom of the lake looked like, I do not go down the stairs with some of my friends.

The dream seems to end there, me wondering where this trapped water might lead to. Then my mind, in my dream, takes a voyage along with the moving water, as if my body is on a sled over the water. The water moves from the trapped area and falls over hills, over and over, creating many beautiful high altitude waterfalls, and I go with them. I am not scared though, because I know I'm actually not there, only my mind is there.

Just about coming to sea level, having seen all there is to see, my dream ends.

It was very beautiful.

Although, after I woke up, another short dream followed.

This one was more hectic. I was actually an older guy, like Sean Connery. There was a young woman, who wanted to go to a dangerous cave, and the only way to access there was through the sea. She believed there was something in that cave, and that a man was protecting the cave. I tell her that the guy is a fake legend, and even if we make it there, he is not going to be there. She is persistent. I tell her how dangerous it is. Because, it is said that, "You have only one chance to go to the cave". It is implied that something bad happens if you fail. She says she is going to go. I tell her that even if she fails and gets lost, I will never stop searching for her.

We end up in those waters, together. She is scared. We can see the opening of the cave around the corner. Suddenly I see a reddish shadow under us, in the depths of the water. I tell her not to be scared and not to look down. As the creature comes closer to us, I remember the legend of the cave and why they say you only have one chance to go to the cave. This is the legendary fish (or maybe a shark) that swims around the cave. It is immensely big, maybe 10 yards wide and a 100 yards long. It gives the intruders one chance to climb on his back and from there, jump on the rocks near the cave. There is only one way to do it, and I know which rock to hold on to and which rock to jump on. If you fail, the fish pretty much kills you. The great fish takes us on its back, we have only a few seconds to decide what to do, the girl is anxious but I tell her to wait for the correct moment, and I hold on the the rock and we jump to the ground from the fish's back. We make it.

She is exhilarated, but suddenly she realizes the man she was looking for, the man who was supposed to be waiting at the cave's entry, is not there, like I guessed. She realizes he was a fraud. In false hope she encircles a corner of rocks, hoping to find him on the small beach behind. He is not there either. She looks at me with great disappointment.

And I wake up.


These were very vivid, and very detailed. Especially the shorter action sequel to the main dream made my heart race when I woke up. Man I love my dreams. It's like having your own movie theater.

How I found myself

The biggest positive side of my current singlehood is that, I finally re-found myself.

Until college, I was the most popular girl in town. Smart, beautiful, the works. I never had any problem about being social or dating. At college, I was pretty outgoing as well, but never actually dated anybody seriously. I was more focused on my intellectual being than my emotional being back then, though I dated a few guys for a few months at times but they were all transient. I never thought I fell in love.

When I came to Ann Arbor, however, as strong as I was, and as social, I was weak. I fell in love with the first guy I thought was decent. He was a charmer and I was charmed. I followed that charm for 2 years. The second year was far less dramatic and stressful, we actually started caring for each other much more deeply, and even went as far as living together. Although we had very different lives, we managed to share our lives at maximum. Did it work? No. Was it a bad end? Especially considering I was on crutches having fractured my foot, yes it was a bad end. But did I know it was over long ago? Undeniably.

After our break up, I was scheduled to go home for a vacation that included my cousin's wedding. As hard as it was in the first few days, it was surprisingly not so hard afterwards. I came back to AA strong and fine. A month or two I tried my best to re-create my social life, which was mostly about my ex-boyfriend's family and friends before. I took every opportunity to be social and out and about. And shortly, I met someone through a friend, very unexpectedly, and we started a relationship.

That took another 3 years of my life. During which, I now realize, I had lost who I was. When we started dating I was this self-confident girl, who was younger than her guy in years and in energy, active and outgoing and very social. He was a regular guy who worked a regular job and lived a regular life with a fun weekend every now and then. Through our relationship he evolved and I devolved. He became more and more social and outgoing while I became this poor little girl who'd do anything for his attention. Every time he complained, I tried my best to still be myself but also become whatever type of girl he wanted me to be. In time, the balance went askew. I was less myself and more this girl who lacked confidence, and had lost the sense of who she was. I relentlessly held on to whoever I became back then, I though that was what he wanted and I thought what he wanted was what I wanted.

Luckily for me, those 3 years ended. Dramatically, yes, but nonetheless. They ended.

And after the first few months passed with the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with myself, I finally realized I was single, and I could be myself. So I went back to doing things I liked. I went back to Tango full time, I traveled for Tango. I started seeing my friends who cared for me much more often. I started enjoying who I was, I felt strong enough to act goofy, I started enjoying going out in jeans and a t-shirt, and whenever I wanted to dress up I actually could dress up the way I wanted. I went back to putting in quite a lot of hours at work and at my social life, instead of sitting home watching tv. I started looking forward to our after-work-over-beer conversations with friends. I remembered how it felt like to genuinely laugh. Since then, I never hold back from laughters. I talk and I laugh a lot. I use hand gestures a lot as well when I talk, as any other Mediterranean girl, I am very passionate about whatever I do, even when it's just telling a story.

Eventually, I realized I found myself again. I found who I was and am. I realized I had pressed my "self" down under some blankets during my relationships with these two men. I wasn't myself. I was trying to be who they wanted me to be and who I thought I should be.

Now I embrace who I am. So much that, I don't even care much about the consequences.

Yes I am strong and I am weak. I am very emotional yet in many aspects I am the most logical. I am complicated. I am fun and I talk a lot and I listen a lot. I go out a lot to enjoy shared evenings with a variety of friends, all of whom I love so much. My love for people are endless as long as they deserve it. I am loyal and very faithful in every relationship, to those who deserve. I am intolerant to most of those who don't. I listen to my heart more than anything, and I do daydream, yes, but I am more realistic than Joe Average. I know what things are, although I sometimes still hope they are not what they are. I love passionately. When my heart flickers, I follow it, and I never felt ashamed of having done so. Even if doing so cost me too much sometimes. Like when it scared off people who I wanted to include to my life.

Though, at any point when I feel like that, I always believe that, this is who I am. If they hadn't discovered it now they would have later, and if who I am does not sit well with them, we are not compatible to begin with anyhow. So all is well, nothing is gained maybe, but nothing is lost either.


After years I found who I have been. I had forgotten who I was for a long time. Now, I don't want to let myself forget or ignore who I am again. Not for anybody.

If I ever get myself into a relationship again, I know who I am and who I will be in that relationship. Not too much sacrifice there anymore.

If you don't like who I am, as you perceive it... Either come closer and get to know me.. Or stay away and it's your loss anyways!

Poor kitty that got skin cancer

In general we humans, as loving as we are, still are superficial..

This is the story of a cat called Charlie, who unfortunately got skin cancer and got his ears and his nose removed to avoid spreading of the cancer.. Yes he looks a little scary, but I think nicknaming him after Voldemort is a little superficial. I am happy to read that he finally got adopted by a loving lady - who had no interest in Harry Potter fame. No offense, JK Rowling, I love your books, but even for marketing purposes, I think this was way too cheap.

Every animal need our help. Ever one of them is worthy of our love and care. For all I know, his ugly nose is one if his cutest features. I'm happy for you, Charlie.
With love, Jada.

How I realized I was an Ann Arborite

2010 has been the year I fully became a "local", an Ann Arborite.

I love Ann Arbor. It is home for me now. Not even home away from home, but home. Every time I go back home home, it's changed so much. I don't think my home home exists any more, you know, the one I grew up in. So Ann Arbor has become my harbor, maybe not the one I grew up in, but the one I grew up into as a young adult.

Ann Arbor has such character!

I remember when I first moved here, for the first two years I didn't have a car I hated Ann Arbor. I moved from a city in which you cannot take a step before the guy in front of you creates that space for you to step into. Then I come to Ann Arbor, where a single college rules pretty much everything. There is no life in the streets after certain hours, and no bar life after 2am. Where I come from, you go out after midnight - not after you have your afternoon nap!

Of course I hated Ann Arbor especially because I was a pedestrian - I was used to having access to everything within 100 yards of my flat. And I mean, everything. You need a grocery store? You got it. A gift shop? Yes. A flower shop? Definitely. Apparel and shoe stores? Is that even a question? Needles? Hammers? A tailor? A vet? We have it all. Oh, looking for a sink for your kitchen? That too.
In Ann Arbor, on the other hand, without a car, I had to plan my weekends around hourly bus schedules to Meijer (which, by the way, takes forever to go a mile. Yeah back in St. Olaf the buses are even slower and to top that there's also incredible traffic, but at least the busses come every few minutes and they go pretty much everywhere.), and god forbid I had to carry a couple of 2lt soda bottles from the bus stop to home. Even if I manage that, you end up spending such a big chunk of your day, huffing and puffing, it's a total, boring waste.

Man, those were some hard days.

But in time, a lot of things changed. Having my first car changed most of it and finally made A2 a convenient place to live. I was able to go to neighboring towns more often. I didn't have to depend on people for transportation. So, having a car was the first big step towards liking A2.

The second and final step of becoming an Ann Arborite was more gradual. It actually started in 2009, when my new job included a team of Texans. I was the only "local" from Ann Arbor, and suddenly became the go-to person for everybody. After 4 years of always being the foreigner in town, finally I was the Ann Arborite.

My transformation was complete by the end of 2010.

Here are a few realizations I had during this weird year that made me feel the Ann Arborite I am:

* I no longer dislike winter, instead, I love, cherish and enjoy it a little too much. Consequently, I am as pro as one can be driving on snow without a 4x4.
* I am no longer the person who wears layers and layers of clothing in winter, even at work. No more turtlenecks, no more double triple under shirts, no more any of it any more! I can actually wear a t-shirt inside and mostly be OK.
* One day I looked at my feet and to my honest to goodness surprise, I was wearing flip flops under my jeans - to work.
* I finally knew that I was not going to have to sell my car soon, and long-awaited bumper stickers got their designated space on my bumper: a very Ann Arborite "Coexist" and a very Darwinian fish.
* I have had at least 4-5 bars I felt at home. At my current favorite spot my beer comes without me ordering.
* I have hosted many visitors to Ann Arbor and have proved to be a very knowledgable host.
* I know which places look dreadful but serves the best food, and I know which are the other way round.
* I've enjoyed many local festivals, some not even known by many, like the Rolling Sculpture Car Show, which I enjoyed immensely. I'm also local enough to enjoy but mostly hate when Art Fair blocks downtown.
* I've been around Detroit and the suburbs of Metro Area enough to be not a stranger any more. (I don't have a bigger intention to be more familiar.)
* I know 95% of the apartment complexes in Ann Arbor in detail.
* Even the guys at my oil change place know who I am. And my local Wendy's people as well. And of course, my gas station people. Some even constantly supported me as I quit smoking.
* I do get offended when someone says something a little negative about Ann Arbor.
* I have been at the UofM, as a student and as an employee, at more than a couple departments, long enough to see many people coming, starting, ending and leaving their lives at UofM.
* I have tailgated among adults (not them annoying undergrads).
* I have been to two UofM games, one being against Michigan State. I learned what people used their keychains for during the game and why they screamed, was a part of the yelling maize crowd that managed to force spartans to take a timeout, and sang Hail to the Victors.
* I have more than one wolverine apparel.
* I somehow ended up owning a few too many "local" t-shirts, like of Blimpy's, Zola, Charley's.... although I only worked at one.
* When I see a product, let it be a coffee mug or a pair of sneakers, I can guess which store it came from in Ann Arbor with pretty high accuracy.
* I am affiliated with not only UofM but also with EMU.
* I know a few A2 oddities like the Fairy Doors and the little robot road stamps.
* I have volunteered more than a thousand hours at the local, state-of-the-art Humane Society.
* I have a sizable number of friends who are genuine locals, you know, born and raised in A2. Which is pretty rare to find in such a transient town, I think.

The list continues...

I am a humble but proud, liberal Ann Arborite that adds to the unique diversity of this town.
Finally I belong somewhere again.
I am from the fabric of this town.

I am an Ann Arborite.

Courtesy of Yuriy Dybskiy

Dream 4 - Singing "mother"

After a very dry season, this morning, within a half an hour snooze before I got up, I had another finely plotted dream.

It was strange, it repeated itself once, and ended like a movie. Most of it I am sure was affected by the Law and Order episodes running on the TV I had left on when falling asleep. Killing people to survive, hiding.. etc.

In the beginning though, before it all turned into this hide and chase dream, I saw my mother and I, later with the rest of my family, picking a small house and spending a night there, waking up in the morning. It was weird enough by itself before abruptly becoming a totally another dream.

Anyhow, the dream was detailed and stressful, yes. But I don't want to go into details of it since I am pretty sure watching L&Os for a whole weekend while being sick put my unconscious mind to work. But the end of the dream affected me very much.

As I said many times before, my dreams are like movies. They start, build up with a plot, climax and reach a resolution. Somehow, this very awkward dream reached a resolution, and the take home message was about growing up without mothers, or missing lost mothers, and how this affects a person.

So at the end of my dream, I saw myself, over green pastures, singing and humming. It was very angelic, I was wearing a very light, whitish dress. It was kind of in slow motion, to match the song. I was singing "mother", in a very slow, very melodic tune, in a soprano voice. All the while, I was gliding over some ropes high up over the green pastures. I would slowly jump in the air to catch the ropes (which looked like telephone cables, or even laundry drying ropes stretched across a big area) to change the ropes I was gliding through my fists. I would always catch the ropes. And keep humming the tune.

It was a very peaceful ending.